Choose Happiness

We are exposed to so many things that happen to us and around us in a continuous barrage everyday. We’re not limited as in the past century when there was one daily newspaper, TV and radio with few choices of stations and programs. Back then, most families had only one telephone, and no one carried them around in their pocket. You’d have to wait to receive or make your phone call . There were no to recording devices for your TV show, so if you weren’t there to watch it, you missed your program. We had to make decisions about how to prioritize our time. We needed patience. Over the past decades we have experienced an explosion of information from technology, the internet and other sources around us, and change is accelerating at the rate of nanoseconds between tweets telling us about everything and nothing.
Too many things happening at the same time overload to our ability to focus our lives. We have too many choices from all different directions that are distracting us continuously and causing stress. Multi-tasking has become a way of life. When you are in your car it’s unlikely that you’ll find more than a small percentage of drivers who are not only driving, but talking on the phone, text messaging, listening to the radio, eating, reading….
I have news for you all. Our brain doesn’t work effectively that way. When humans multi-task, they don’t do ANY of it well. The research shows “that multitasking increases stress, diminishes perceived control, and may cause physical discomfort such as stomach aches or headaches. Research on more than 25,000 people worldwide demonstrates that Multitasking Madness makes it ever harder to concentrate for extended periods. You might notice that as you are working on one task, thoughts about another creep into your consciousness. This is that filtering mechanism, doing its work keeping important tasks close at mind. Another sign of Multitasking Madness is the feeling that your memory is not quite as good as it used to be. You start working on something and then find yourself not being able to remember what you wanted to do or say. Still another symptom is an inability to sustain a peaceful night's sleep or to enjoy what used to be calming, recreational times. Too many thoughts are buzzing in your head. In the end, Multitasking Madness diminishes your productivity and makes you work harder just to feel like you are barely keeping up with all your work.” (http://www.crystalinks.com)
So what can you do to bring a more peaceful, productive and healthy focus into your life? We must learn to prioritize what is important in our life, and then make choices about how to spend our time. The one thing that we all share equally is 24 hours a day and the choice of how to spend that time.
The things to which we pay attention define who we are as people, AND our choices about where we put our focus defines the type of life we will have. When I was a behavioral therapist at Canyon Ranch Health Spa, I used to do an experiment with people in my talks. Knowing that the guests were high achievers, I would give them a challenge. “Look around the room for 15 seconds, and try to remember everything in the room that has the color blue in it”. People stood up, focused intently on every item they could see. “Ok, now close your eyes, and let that set in your memory for a few seconds” I’d say. Then came my trick. “Now tell me everything that was RED”. The moans and groans were loud. Few people could remember anything that was red; they were totally focused on blue!
We can spend our time focused on what is bad; what isn’t working, what we DON’T have; or we can focus on the things that we CAN do, the things that are joyful and give us pleasure. When we look for the good, that’s what we see, and the negative recedes into the background, and we become happier with our life.
“The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention”
Julia Cameron
People who are depressed or anxious are focusing on the “bad things” in their lives. I had a friend who could find something negative to say about anything! I used to say that if she stepped into gold, she’d complain her shoe got dirty! People like this can suck the joy out of your life if you let them. Yes, it is OUR CHOICE. You can choose with whom to spend your time. You can leave behind people who do not fit with your needs for joy and calm. But you cannot blame them for “making me sad, making me angry, making me upset”. You are making a choice to allow their statements into your heart, instead of telling yourself: this is their opinion, and it is not mine. I am choosing to see light instead of darkness. You may be able to help that friend my pointing out your observation. However, some habits are very hard to change, especially when a person gets pity, or special treatment because of their “bad luck”. That’s called enabling, and we sometimes tell ourselves that we “must” or “should” help that person. By enabling we may actually be keeping that person from experiencing the “natural consequences” that are life’s greatest lessons. When you make the choice to enable someone, how is that effected YOUR life and joy? YOUR choice is whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who is not adding to your happiness.
The first step to any change in your life is awareness. Be mindful of your thoughts. If you find yourself constantly finding the negative in any situation, try to refocus on the positive. Look for the break in the clouds. When I coach people with HeartMath® stress reduction, that is the focus of our work: finding appreciation and love that is there in our hearts, and letting it show us the way.
Make every day a day where you are looking for the simple joy of living. I’ve asked my friends and families to think about the Simple Joys that they experience in a day. Unless we are looking for these happy and small events, they will go by unnoticed, unappreciated. This week’s calligraphy shows some of their answers.
Simple Joys is yours for a free digital download if you subscribe to my mailing list (just write to me). Add your personal simple joys every day, and post it where you will see it. Focus on the happiness, beauty, joy in your life, and you will see more and more every day and your life will become more joyful, peaceful and healthier.
From the heart,
Lianda

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword: The Power of Words

Being a counselor/coach and a calligrapher, I have always found motivational quotes to be inspirational. Over the years I have collected my favorites, and even found myself coming up quotable comments that others have used. These statements are what I call: "Words To Live By". They are literally words that you want near you all the time. They remind, motivate, inspire and keep us on the right path in our lives.

I'm going to share one of my favorite quotes weekly. And, I'm not only going to write the quote, but a short explanation from a counselor or coach's perspective AND I'm going to write the quote in calligraphy and post that as well. That way you'll have meaningful quotes that are also beautiful calligraphy! If you like the quote, you can write to me and purchase a digital download of my Words To Live By to post to your refrigerator, put by your desk, or to stick on your bathroom mirror.

If you have a quote that you love feel free to share it with me. If I choose to calligraph the quote, I'll send you a free digital download for your personal use. So, be thinking about what words have power in your life. Remember, "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword"!

In some ways, that's a perfect quote to start with. What does it say to me? It tells me that words have the power to change everything from governments, using the power of the criticism combined with the press; to changing individuals, from the power of realization of Truth. These changes do not have to be made with the threat of violence because the words alone have the power to force change.

Because this blog is essentially coaching for ourselves as individuals, I'm going to focus on the effect of words that we use for ourselves and in relationships, not for political change. What comes to mind for me has to do with the power of words in communication with our partners (spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend) family, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances.

I also think about the power of words on our personal health; such as these way we use words to describe ourselves: "I'm depressed", "I'm fat", "I'm a loser", etc..  Our words reinforce this belief, and our body reacts to this continuing barrage of negative statements with corresponding changes in our health! This is thoroughly researched and documented. That's one of the reasons I spend much of my coaching time teaching people about the power of positive affirmations.

Then there's the effect of words spoken in anger. Think about how once these words are said out loud, they can NEVER be taken back. Apology or not, the person has heard what you have said, and the more cutting the words, the less likely they will ever be forgotten. I'm certain that you can remember the worst things that people have ever said to or about you.

That is an important reminder about gossip and spreading rumors.  Before you use the power of words, think about the effect they may have on others. What is your reason for speaking negatively about others? Would you use those words directly to that person, and what are you wanting to accomplish by speaking those words? (more on anger and healthy ways to communicate in future posts).

So, as a first post, I want to encourage you to think about the power of your words BEFORE you speak. Think about how you have to power to encourage, support, engage, strengthen the person to whom you are speaking.  AND you also have the power to destroy with the words you choose to use.

Think first before speaking: Who am I, and how do I see myself if I use those powerful words? Am I speaking with integrity? If you have made the right choice, then make sure you say something nice to yourself about the choice you have made to be positive and caring. Remember these words don’t have to be said out loud or directed to someone else – the words we think about and say silently about OURSELVES are just as profound.

From the heart,

Lianda