Many times we'll blame others and think or say: "You got me angry!" But, that's not true. Remember, there was something that you wanted, and that person didn't give it to you.
When you speak to someone in anger 3 things are true:
1. There's something that you want that you're not getting.
2. You're telling yourself: S(h)e SHOULD be giving that to me!
3. You're about to speak or act in a way that will virtually assure you WON'T get what you want.
So the correct and honest statement to describe your anger is: Someone did something, and I got angry, because I expected ___________, or I wanted _____________ and didn't get it.
It takes a lot of maturity, confidence and personal responsibility to be able to make a statement like that to yourself and especially to another person! AND if you say it out loud to someone, it increases the possibility that you WILL get what you want. But, it's still not a guarantee.
Another positive effect is that when you take responsibility for your feelings and don't blame someone else for creating your negative thoughts, you improve the understanding in your intercommunication, and improve your relationship with others who will now understand you better! They too, may start communicating more effectively, in a way I describe as "from the heart".
IS ANGER A CHOICE?
What can we do when we realize that we're angry?
The first step to deal with ANY problem is awareness that there is a problem. Being angry at someone, and especially holding a grudge is damaging. It hurts YOU!
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
It would be a lot wiser to think about what you are "wanting" and why. Does the person know your desire? So often, we expect people to read our minds. We think "they should know what we want! If I have to tell them, then I don't want it!"
We make an assumption others see the world the same way we do, and want the same things that we do. Then the next jump in logic is to assume that they know what we want, but they are withholding it from us for some reason!
Do you see how confusing this gets? Do you always agree with others, and have a similar view of the world? Is it rational to expect that someone who doesn't reside inside your head should be able to know that you prefer red roses to yellow carnations? Or do you leap to a new blame: "Oh, they never paid attention to what you said about red roses being your favorite flower...."
We make unhappiness for Ourselves when we have expectations about other people's behavior. We make unhappiness for OURSELVES when we project our needs onto other people, especially when we are not always clear about what we want in our own minds and hearts!
What can you do to reduce the frequency and intensity of anger?
I like the metaphor of a traffic light.
Red, is on the top, the most prominent spot because it's the most important signal. It means STOP! If there were no red, we'd always be going.
Yellow, which most people use as an excuse to speed up, actually means SLOW DOWN, use caution!
THEN Green, means go.
So, if you are angry and seeing RED, think about that traffic light, and STOP! Then slow down and use caution. Think about what it is you are wanting, and whether you made your desire clear. Is there a possibility that you are not communicating effectively? Just because you want something, does it mean you're entitled to it? In other cases of anger, it's often good to recognize the feeling, and then STOP, and take a few slow deep breaths while trying to get to a more neutral feeling.
When I get angry at someone (yes, it happens to all of us less than perfect humans), I first try to think about what I want that is different from what they are doing. For example, I get annoyed when people don't use their turn signals. If I have to wait unnecessarily to make my turn, because if their signal isn't used, it appears that they are going straight ahead. So, I wait, and then they turn, and I never had to sit waiting wasting time and gas!
What I want is for someone to have consideration of my time and fuel. That ultimately is being fair and treating me like I would treat them. However, then I practice thinking to myself: Have I ever NOT used my signal? Perhaps they thought their signal was on; maybe their signal is broken, maybe they are on their way to a funeral and they're not thinking about driving. And then again, maybe they don't care about using signals, and have never bothered to do so, and don't care about waiting to turn. (here's a case where the "Golden Rule" doesn't work - more on that in another article!)
The thing is, is it worth it to get yourself annoyed, angered, bothered or having a bad time because you've given your personal power over to someone else to manipulate with their behavior?
Then there is the school of thought about beating an empty chair with a rolled up magazine to release your anger. That has got to be one of the worst things you can do to yourself! Most people don't realize that even "acting" angry actually has an effect on your body. It sets off the classic "fight or flight" response, which is the reason so many people are suffering from habitual stress in their lives daily! One angry incident can change your biochemistry for hours! So hitting a chair because of your unresolved anger is NOT releasing the problem, it's PRACTICING BEING angry and hurting you at the same time!
The Dalai Lama told a story about how he observed a "therapeutic" anger management group instructed to hit and yell at pillows that were supposed to be the embodiment of the person who had caused them hurt. Buddhist philosophy teaches compassion and tolerance, not beating up something to let out anger! After the anger exercise when the people announced that they felt relieved of their anger, it came as no surprise to the Dalai Lama when one of the participants in the group had an angry outburst in the parking lot. Someone had "cut him off" and he was back to expressing angry feelings even he before he had left the area! Resolved anger? Anger management: NOT!
I'm not saying that changing a lifetime's worth of practiced and habitual ways of responding to anything is easy! Believe me, I am far from perfect and consider my life a "practice" session for the many of the ways I am wanting to be a better human being. But be honest with yourself. If you say, " I lost control", then WHO is incharge??
Yes, it's easier in the short run to explode. But it makes you feel bad; it makes the other person feel bad... and angry words, once expressed can be forgiven, but never forgotten!
So do yourself, and those around you a favor. Stop, use caution and then proceed with words. Be a force for compassion and tolerance for those around you, and YOURSELF! Spread the peace, be happy. It feels much better, and it's better for your health!
from the heart,
Lianda
remember, you can always contact me for a private laser coaching session.
