Self care is the best way to be a caregiver to others. Understanding and expressing your own needs by using assertiveness skills will improve your self-esteem and your health by reducing stress!
You have heard this phrase every time you fly. Perhaps you paid attention the first time you heard the cabin attendant tell you how you need to take care of yourself before you can help others. No truer words have been spoken.
"In an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on, and then help others"
It's like that with life as well. Too often we get distracted with taking care of others needs and forgetting about our own needs. We tell ourselves that we "shouldn't" be selfish, that a particular person needs us. We're strong, and we can take care of our needs later. But the fact of the matter is, other things come up, and we're still taking care of others and not ourselves.
Of course there are people who we may be helping out who truly need our help. But I am speaking about spouses, relatives, friends and even children who don’t want to do a job, and expect you to do it for them. There are many people who are happy to have you take care of them by doing things they can and should do for themselves. They expect to be taken care of, and are not thinking about you. In fact, we have been "trained" by them. They like us when we do what they need, and they whine when we don't. We don't want to hear their sad stories, complaints, so we continue to do what they want. Can you see this vicious cycle we've established. YES, WE have created a monster.
This can be our spouse, child, our parent, relative or our co-worker or anyone who you "can't" say "NO" to. You will hear me write this again and again: "Can't" really means: you don't want to. You can do whatever you want to do. It's just a matter of making a decision that puts YOU in first place for a change. It gives YOU the opportunity to take care of yourself by putting on your own oxygen mask first. If you persist in taking care of others, and not yourself, you will pay the price with stress created disorders and illness. And you will finally start resenting those people who are TAKING what you don't really want to give. Good relationships are based upon give AND take pretty equally divided upon both people in that relationship.When you give honestly, it feels good. When someone has pushed your buttons, it's feels more like a demand, not a request. You may have a feeling in the pit of your stomach telling yourself: I don't really want to do this, BUT.... Think about the difference between when someone asks you, " Would you please send me..." and "Send this to..." Much of the time when someone makes a demand we want to say "no, do it yourself". Instead, many people will say, "can't you do it yourself?" or just end up doing the request rather than getting into a verbal boxing match. In fact, the way someone verbalizes a request/demand shows us the inequality in a relationship.
Pay attention in the moment and listen to the words you use when speaking. Notice, anytime you have a "but" in the middle of a sentence it means you the beginning of the sentence is NOT TRUE! Let awareness of the use of "but" in the sentence focus your attention on what you really mean when speaking! Take responsibility for your thoughts, opinions and needs. You are allowed to have own needs addressed!
You have a RIGHT and a RESPONSIBILITY to put on your own oxygen mask. Others must do that for themselves, or they will never learn, they will never develop their own ability to take care of themselves. By not allowing others to take care of themselves, you are enabling them to be dependent on you and others. We all learn by our own experience better than observing others. And this is particularly true for children as well. Give them opportunities to learn with trying new tasks, and allow them to learn from their mistakes without judging them harshly. We all learn better from mistakes than from something we've always done easily.
The bigger the mistake, the less likely we are to repeat it!
Now, I am not saying that all people can always take care of themselves. Are you finding that you are the "go to" person too often? Are you paying attention and seeing how YOU feel when you are continuously expected to take care of the problems? Is a part of you feeling resentful from requests from others? If you think about it, do you have certain people whose relationship is based upon an uneven give and take, with you giving and them taking?
Your body will pay the price with headaches, stiff neck or other stress related disorders and even illnesses. Your body is sending you the message of discomfort, so that you pay attention and take care of yourself first. Assertive expression of your needs doesn't mean blaming or getting angry at the person making a request or even a demand from you. It does mean calmly expressing your needs by taking personal responsibility and realizing that you need to take care of yourself first! Remember, you can't put on anyone else's oxygen mask if you are out of oxygen.
