Take Care Of Yourself First For Improved Self Esteem and Health

Self care is the best way to be a caregiver to others. Understanding and expressing your own needs by using assertiveness skills will improve your self-esteem and your health by reducing stress!

You have heard this phrase every time you fly. Perhaps you paid attention the first time you heard the cabin attendant tell you how you need to take care of yourself before you can help others. No truer words have been spoken.

"In an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on, and then help others"

It's like that with life as well. Too often we get distracted with taking care of others needs and forgetting about our own needs. We tell ourselves that we "shouldn't" be selfish, that a particular person needs us. We're strong, and we can take care of our needs later. But the fact of the matter is, other things come up, and we're still taking care of others and not ourselves.

Of course there are people who we may be helping out who truly need our help. But I am speaking about spouses, relatives, friends and even children who don’t want to do a job, and expect you to do it for them. There are many people who are happy to have you take care of them by doing things they can and should do for themselves. They expect to be taken care of, and are not thinking about you. In fact, we have been "trained" by them. They like us when we do what they need, and they whine when we don't. We don't want to hear their sad stories, complaints, so we continue to do what they want. Can you see this vicious cycle we've established. YES, WE have created a monster.

This can be our spouse, child, our parent, relative or our co-worker or anyone who you "can't" say "NO" to. You will hear me write this again and again: "Can't" really means: you don't want to. You can do whatever you want to do. It's just a matter of making a decision that puts YOU in first place for a change. It gives YOU the opportunity to take care of yourself by putting on your own oxygen mask first. If you persist in taking care of others, and not yourself, you will pay the price with stress created disorders and illness. And you will finally start resenting those people who are TAKING what you don't really want to give. Good relationships are based upon give AND take pretty equally divided upon both people in that relationship.

When you give honestly, it feels good. When someone has pushed your buttons, it's feels more like a demand, not a request. You may have a feeling in the pit of your stomach telling yourself: I don't really want to do this, BUT.... Think about the difference between when someone asks you, " Would you please send me..." and "Send this to..." Much of the time when someone makes a demand we want to say "no, do it yourself". Instead, many people will say, "can't you do it yourself?" or just end up doing the request rather than getting into a verbal boxing match. In fact, the way someone verbalizes a request/demand shows us the inequality in a relationship.

Pay attention in the moment and listen to the words you use when speaking. Notice, anytime you have a "but" in the middle of a sentence it means you the beginning of the sentence is NOT TRUE! Let awareness of the use of "but" in the sentence focus your attention on what you really mean when speaking! Take responsibility for your thoughts, opinions and needs. You are allowed to have own needs addressed!

You have a RIGHT and a RESPONSIBILITY to put on your own oxygen mask. Others must do that for themselves, or they will never learn, they will never develop their own ability to take care of themselves. By not allowing others to take care of themselves, you are enabling them to be dependent on you and others. We all learn by our own experience better than observing others. And this is particularly true for children as well. Give them opportunities to learn with trying new tasks, and allow them to learn from their mistakes without judging them harshly. We all learn better from mistakes than from something we've always done easily.

The bigger the mistake, the less likely we are to repeat it!

Now, I am not saying that all people can always take care of themselves. Are you finding that you are the "go to" person too often? Are you paying attention and seeing how YOU feel when you are continuously expected to take care of the problems? Is a part of you feeling resentful from requests from others? If you think about it, do you have certain people whose relationship is based upon an uneven give and take, with you giving and them taking?

Your body will pay the price with headaches, stiff neck or other stress related disorders and even illnesses. Your body is sending you the message of discomfort, so that you pay attention and take care of yourself first. Assertive expression of your needs doesn't mean blaming or getting angry at the person making a request or even a demand from you.  It does mean calmly expressing your needs by taking personal responsibility and realizing that you need to take care of yourself first! Remember, you can't put on anyone else's oxygen mask if you are out of oxygen.

Turn Your Dream Job Into Reality

Are you great at dreaming, but get stuck in a rut of fear when it comes to the action part of either looking for a job that reflects your values, or starting your own business?

Work takes up the majority of our time only second to the amount of time we spend asleep. If you are spending your valuable time going to a job you hate, and waiting for your day to be over, you are wishing your life away. Your life doesn’t begin on your way back home from work. Do you want to look back and see that you had a career, or that you had a life where your “occupation” was living and working at something you valued, something of which you can feel proud.

There are two distinctly different roads that you can take when embarking on the decision about work. Either you can find some job where another person will hire you, OR you can find out what you love to do, your passion if you will, and find someone who will pay you to do it!

No two people have the identical viewpoint and beliefs. We each have our own unique contribution to make that can potentially improve the world in some way, be it large or small.  You may not have thought of this before, but that is your life’s mission, purpose or destination. When you understand your values and live them in your daily life, and your work, you are in alignment. In some ways, it might be helpful to think of living in integrity at work on in your own business as your responsibility to yourself and to the world!

“Whether you think you can, 
or your think you can’t your are right” 


Henry Ford

Many people have a great idea about what kind of business they want to have. The best business ideas are ones that come from your past experiences.  As you were growing up, and perhaps in the early part of your life, you had interests that pursued.  You learned about these because they excited you.  This can become your conscious business, where you are living your values.  This is the most important part of the formula:  A GOAL. 

However, if you are blocked by insecurities and fear of not truly believing in your own worth, talent, or ability, it’s unlikely you’ll ever make your potential dream come true. It’s like giving up the journey before you have really made much headway on your path. It’s time to stop listening to other people who don’t believe in their own gifts and desires, and don’t want YOU to succeed. It’s important to focus on the excitement you feel when talking about your inner passion. Remind yourself of other accomplishments, no matter how small, where you have achieved your goal.  Everyone has to start somewhere, so start slowly, recognize your growth along the way and realize it’s all about one step at a time to reach your goal.

You can’t get to home plate 
if you won’t take your foot off first base!

Self-fulfilling prophecies are a fact of life.  We are only limited by what we believe ourselves to be capable of achieving. Our thoughts and memories are filled by the messages we’ve received from our parents, friends and our life experiences.  However, even the most horrific upbringing has not limited the achievement of individuals who believes in themselves. There are so many unknown resilient people who just seem to be able to see any roadblock as a mere detour, an opportunity to take another trail or go “off road” that may end up being a short-cut or an even better route to their destination. 

What would you attempt 
if you knew you couldn’t possibly fail?

 Only when you are clear of what your goal is, will you have a much chance of attaining it! Making a detailed plan of action will help give you the confidence to follow your dream.  If you do what other successful people do in your field, you will succeed. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel.

It’s important to have a support system. Perhaps you have a friend or relative who believes in you. If you don’t have people presently in your life to fulfill this role, it’s time to search out new networks. There are many groups of entrepreneurs, classes, meet-up groups, and so many places where you can connect with like-minded people with whom you can form an alliance of support.  It’s also great to schedule meetings to make sure you are doing the action necessary so that you don’t just get together to have “wish” sessions!

Learn about the power of positive self-talk and affirmations. So much of what we say to ourselves is self-sabotaging. Who needs negative friends and relatives when you do that job for yourself! 

Remember affirmations must be said in the POSITIVE, present tense WITH EMOTIONAL feeling. You can’t say you’re “not going to”, because that leaves a vacuum. What are you going to do with that time instead of “not”.

Keep a journal that shows your progress. What you put your attention to grows in strength. As you get emotionally stronger, so do your thoughts to support your feelings. It is an actual feedback loop. If you are not feeling confident, ACT like you do, and you will become confident. This is what the research shows.

Keep motivational quotes and pictures around you, and move them frequently so they don’t become habitual and you don’t “see them” anymore. If you can write a quote and remember it specifically with an accomplishment, it has tremendous power to inspire you and keep you in action.

If you fall off your horse, get back on again!  We learn much better from our failures than our successes. Furthermore, when it was difficult to attain a goal, it gives you so much more self-confidence because it was something you truly earned!

Don’t expect that this is going to be accomplished overnight.  It took you a long time to develop get where you are now.  Why would you assume you can change these set behaviors over night?  Developing patience, and earning a new pattern that serves you better is the first understanding you must believe. 

How Do You Eat An Elephant?  
One Bite At A Time!

If you have worked hard to achieve a goal, that attainment means a lot more to you than some thing that comes easy.  You will then be able to focus on YOUR responsibility in achieving that goal, know that YOU have done this through hard work and commitment.  It increases your self-esteem, WHEN you pay attention to what you have accomplished, and take credit for the hard work.

Dreaming is only wishing until you put it into action. Creating the life of your dreams can only be done by one person: YOU.  Don’t waste your life living someone else’s dream!

For tips about how to have a conscious business read my tips along with 39 co-authors in our upcoming book: Align, Expand and Succeed.  It will be released in Fall of 2010.

Know Thyself, and to thine own self be true....

There's a joke about someone who is very self-centered person talking incessantly about their opinions. 

“Well, that’s enough about me … now what do YOU think about me?”

While conversation is not about one person constantly talking, and another person listening, it is important to have, and express an opinion.  The reason is simple: That opinion communicates your preference of what you want, and what makes you happy. If you don’t know what makes you happy, you are not going to be happy!

So, what makes us feel an emotion?  What makes us happy or sad?  Actually the answer is quite simple.

We are happy when we get what we want, 

and alternately, we are  unhappy when we don't get what we want.  

Now, this is actually VERY important information that mystifies many people.  Some people believe that they're just depressed and that it's not related to anything specifically.  There are many who really are not in touch with their "needs" and desires.  These are the kind of people who may always answer your question,
     "what do you want to do?" with,
     "I don't care, whatever you want is fine."  Indeed that person may be you!

For a while it might feel fine to always do what you choose, but when you have a relationship with a friend or partner, it can become a burden to always be the one to decide what activity, what food, what movie to see!

If you are the person who is mostly deferring to others, I hope you are paying attention!  You might want to learn more about personality types by reading about the Enneagram with particular attention to Type 9.  In fact, anyone who is interested in self-knowledge will benefit from learning about the powerful tool called the enneagram

It's true that sometimes the cause of our moods is truly elusive.  But we come equipped with a fail-safe, built in, canary in the coal mine: OUR BODIES!  Yes, when we are not paying attention to our feelings over time, our body provides a back-up system.  In the beginning for some of us, it's literally "a pain in the neck".  Listen to the words you use to describe something that annoys you, and then see if that's actually where you get your reminder about unhappiness!

Our bodies are going to react to our negative feelings with symptoms.  When those feelings become habitual, and go from the realm of mild annoyance to habitual negative feelings, this is the definition of stress.

Tight shoulder muscles is common area that is indicative of mild stress.  But when we ignore our feelings for long enough, our body is going to increase the hint: Pay Attention!  Depending upon the cause of your feelings, you may have different symptoms and illnesses according to one of my favorite authors, Louise Hay.

There are many illnesses and disorders that can be directly linked to untreated stress.  They may begin as annoying problems, perhaps with skin rashes, and manageable pain, but can become life-threatening and life altering illnesses.  Hypertension means what it says: You have anxiety and tension that is overwhelming, and effecting your body.

Did you know that most heart attacks take place on Monday morning at 9am, when people are returning to work after the weekend? Our heart is telling us something!  Why do you think it's called a Heart Attack?

According the American Institute of Stress, 75-90% of all visits to doctors result from stress related disorders.

The question is, with all of these warnings, symptoms and finally life threatening diseases, why is it that people still opt to take a pill to lessen the symptoms rather than deal with the source of the problem?  The source is that you are unhappy, and you CAN do something to change that!  Happiness is a choice.  I don't mean to belittle anyone's terrible loss or personal suffering, or to be a "polyanna" but many people who suffer horrific losses in their lives have found new meaning and a reason to live on and be happy.

There are so many ways to find happiness.  Living a life of purpose: serving others with your talents,  passion or unique qualities is the path towards living a life in Integrity.  When you live your life in this type of alignment, happiness and satisfaction is a natural byproduct.

Do you know your purpose?  It's time you rediscovered the things that make you joyful.  Fill your life with them and watch the tension go down, and the happiness rise to the top. Happiness is your birthright, it's your personal responsibility! The path to happiness and health is to know yourself and what you want in life.

You don't want to be on your deathbed thinking:  "I should have...."

from the heart,

Lianda

A SIGNPOST ON YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

So many people consider themselves “spiritual” rather than religious, nowadays. We think about, read, learn and practice pursuits for the health and nourishment of our soul. Because our soul is occupying our body, we must realize that one of the ways of connecting with our soul’s needs is by understanding what is going on in our body.

Mind/body medicine is attempting to bridge the gap between the way that allopathic doctors treat symptoms of illness by combining complimentary techniques such as meditation, prayer, hypnosis, and mental healing. I think that the spiritual seeker, and mind/body practitioners may still be missing an important point. 

STRESS IS A SIGNPOST ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY

When we feel “stressed out” our body may react with tense muscles (one of the first signs).  Over time and by not dealing with the cause of the stress, this may become chronic pain (tension become more “pressing” or intense). Eventually degeneration of the health in practically any way can become the result of ignoring the soul’s message.

Stress is a SOUL message telling us: “There is an incongruity; a disconnect between the way we want to be, and the way we are living our lives.  That becomes emotional and physical stress.  (To clarify terms, this is referred to as a stressor; and the result is a stress reaction in our bodies.)

We cannot separate the mind and the body. Think about the words we use to describe our actual experience:  We “think” in our hearts (learning by heart), have “gut” reactions, and it’s been shown that all of our cells have this ability. (“Molecules of Emotion”, Candice Pert, Ph.D).  When you pay attention to the subtle physical signs as you do/say/feel something that you don’t want to be doing, some part of your body is going to be giving you a signal – tightness in the chest, nausea, a headache?  In scientific terminology, this is called a “feedback loop”: a cause-and effect that goes around in both directions.  Your mind informs your body, your body informs your mind.  Each one of us is different, and has our own physical path that gives us more evidence that we have to stop and pay attention to what we are doing!  The more we ignore the symptoms, the stronger and more insistent those symptoms will become!

There is no doubt: the mental stress will REVEAL itself in someway in our bodies.  The sad thing is that we mostly treat the stress symptom (the muscle aches, the headaches, poor sleep, belly fat), and ignore the core reason that we feel stress in the first place!  A spiritual person who ignores the signposts, the symptoms of illness in their body, is practicing only PART of learning their soul’s message. That message is written on our health.  We cannot clear a physical condition until we pay attention to discover what those symptoms are telling us about the decisions we’ve made and their impact our lives.

Whether stress is an event in our present life or from the distant past, it creates a reaction that leaves its mark on our health.  You can spend your money on dealing with the symptoms, or you can identify the root cause and heal your mind/body and soul.

There are effective techniques to help you understand the message of your body.  As a licensed coach, I use HeartMath’s^® techniques along with meridian tapping to get to the “heart of the matter”.  Contact me for more information about how I can help you hear your soul’s inner message, and restore your health and wellbeing.

From the heart,

Lianda

Are You Stressed Out?

Are you STRESSED OUT ?

I'm very excited to tell you about my new teleclass to help you recognize the signs of stress, and how to relieve it fast. I'll be telling you about the newest research that will both surprise and empower you to get control and improve your life.


♥ Is the pressure of the economy making your wonder how “safe” your future might be? Does watching or hearing the news make you feel scared or hopeless about the future?
♥ Are you continuously “needing to” do the “should’s, “have to’s, and other responsibilities
♥ Do you have a diagnosis of a health condition that is necessitating you make changes in your lifestyle.
♥ Are you dealing with relationship woes at home or work that is like being on a runaway rollercoaster ride.

You may already have an unrealized physical reaction induced by the stressors in your life!
According to the American Institute of Stress, 75-90% of all visits to doctors are the result from stress related disorders!

This weekly class will give you new insights into what stress is doing to your health (and maybe your waistline as well!). Each call will include a Q & A session.

As a BONUS, you get to email Lianda for any question you didn’t get answered on the call. And as a SECOND BONUS: you will receive one “laser coaching” one on one call during the program to address your most pressing issue.

Your investment toward stress-free living is only

$149 Beginning Wed. evening, May 19th - 6:30 pm

Early bird special (pay by May 14th for discounted rate $97)

“Lianda gives me hope and a sense of calm. I immediately felt more relaxed. In fact, this technique helped me speak with the executive director in a calm manner while discussing strong content. I feel uplifted and ready for the next challenge” Roseann S.L. Alaska
“I am amazed at how Lianda's coaching gets right to the core of my issue and calms me. When I’m stressed, I need help seeing what's really bothering me, and Lianda's insight makes things clearer. Now I feel more able to get to the “Heart of the matter”! Karen S. Tucson, AZ

Aren’t you worth it?

Don't worry if you're not available each week. A recording will be available for you, and remember, you can email me your question if you don't want to ask during the call.
Any questions, just write, and I'll be happy to answer.

Anger Is Not Your Boss

Why do we get angry? It's actually a pretty simple answer. There is basically one reason: there's something that we want and we're not getting it. Conversely, there's something we don't want and we're getting it! It doesn't matter where the thing we want is right, or wrong; good or bad.... It just "is".

Many times we'll blame others and think or say: "You got me angry!" But, that's not true. Remember, there was something that you wanted, and that person didn't give it to you.

When you speak to someone in anger 3 things are true:
1. There's something that you want that you're not getting.
2. You're telling yourself: S(h)e SHOULD be giving that to me!
3. You're about to speak or act in a way that will virtually assure you WON'T get what you want.
So the correct and honest statement to describe your anger is: Someone did something, and I got angry, because I expected ___________, or I wanted _____________ and didn't get it.

It takes a lot of maturity, confidence and personal responsibility to be able to make a statement like that to yourself and especially to another person! AND if you say it out loud to someone, it increases the possibility that you WILL get what you want. But, it's still not a guarantee.

Another positive effect is that when you take responsibility for your feelings and don't blame someone else for creating your negative thoughts, you improve the understanding in your intercommunication, and improve your relationship with others who will now understand you better! They too, may start communicating more effectively, in a way I describe as "from the heart".
IS ANGER A CHOICE?
What can we do when we realize that we're angry?

The first step to deal with ANY problem is awareness that there is a problem. Being angry at someone, and especially holding a grudge is damaging. It hurts YOU!

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned." Buddha

It would be a lot wiser to think about what you are "wanting" and why. Does the person know your desire? So often, we expect people to read our minds. We think "they should know what we want! If I have to tell them, then I don't want it!"

We make an assumption others see the world the same way we do, and want the same things that we do. Then the next jump in logic is to assume that they know what we want, but they are withholding it from us for some reason!

Do you see how confusing this gets? Do you always agree with others, and have a similar view of the world? Is it rational to expect that someone who doesn't reside inside your head should be able to know that you prefer red roses to yellow carnations? Or do you leap to a new blame: "Oh, they never paid attention to what you said about red roses being your favorite flower...."

We make unhappiness for Ourselves when we have expectations about other people's behavior. We make unhappiness for OURSELVES when we project our needs onto other people, especially when we are not always clear about what we want in our own minds and hearts!
What can you do to reduce the frequency and intensity of anger?

I like the metaphor of a traffic light.
Red, is on the top, the most prominent spot because it's the most important signal. It means STOP! If there were no red, we'd always be going.
Yellow, which most people use as an excuse to speed up, actually means SLOW DOWN, use caution!
THEN Green, means go.

So, if you are angry and seeing RED, think about that traffic light, and STOP! Then slow down and use caution. Think about what it is you are wanting, and whether you made your desire clear. Is there a possibility that you are not communicating effectively? Just because you want something, does it mean you're entitled to it? In other cases of anger, it's often good to recognize the feeling, and then STOP, and take a few slow deep breaths while trying to get to a more neutral feeling.

When I get angry at someone (yes, it happens to all of us less than perfect humans), I first try to think about what I want that is different from what they are doing. For example, I get annoyed when people don't use their turn signals. If I have to wait unnecessarily to make my turn, because if their signal isn't used, it appears that they are going straight ahead. So, I wait, and then they turn, and I never had to sit waiting wasting time and gas!

What I want is for someone to have consideration of my time and fuel. That ultimately is being fair and treating me like I would treat them. However, then I practice thinking to myself: Have I ever NOT used my signal? Perhaps they thought their signal was on; maybe their signal is broken, maybe they are on their way to a funeral and they're not thinking about driving. And then again, maybe they don't care about using signals, and have never bothered to do so, and don't care about waiting to turn. (here's a case where the "Golden Rule" doesn't work - more on that in another article!)

The thing is, is it worth it to get yourself annoyed, angered, bothered or having a bad time because you've given your personal power over to someone else to manipulate with their behavior?

Then there is the school of thought about beating an empty chair with a rolled up magazine to release your anger. That has got to be one of the worst things you can do to yourself! Most people don't realize that even "acting" angry actually has an effect on your body. It sets off the classic "fight or flight" response, which is the reason so many people are suffering from habitual stress in their lives daily! One angry incident can change your biochemistry for hours! So hitting a chair because of your unresolved anger is NOT releasing the problem, it's PRACTICING BEING angry and hurting you at the same time!

The Dalai Lama told a story about how he observed a "therapeutic" anger management group instructed to hit and yell at pillows that were supposed to be the embodiment of the person who had caused them hurt. Buddhist philosophy teaches compassion and tolerance, not beating up something to let out anger! After the anger exercise when the people announced that they felt relieved of their anger, it came as no surprise to the Dalai Lama when one of the participants in the group had an angry outburst in the parking lot. Someone had "cut him off" and he was back to expressing angry feelings even he before he had left the area! Resolved anger? Anger management: NOT!

I'm not saying that changing a lifetime's worth of practiced and habitual ways of responding to anything is easy! Believe me, I am far from perfect and consider my life a "practice" session for the many of the ways I am wanting to be a better human being. But be honest with yourself. If you say, " I lost control", then WHO is incharge??

Yes, it's easier in the short run to explode. But it makes you feel bad; it makes the other person feel bad... and angry words, once expressed can be forgiven, but never forgotten!
So do yourself, and those around you a favor. Stop, use caution and then proceed with words. Be a force for compassion and tolerance for those around you, and YOURSELF! Spread the peace, be happy. It feels much better, and it's better for your health!

from the heart,
Lianda
remember, you can always contact me for a private laser coaching session.

Stressed Out? Pay Attention!

STRESS:  anxiety, worry, tension, agitation, anger...

and other similar feelings can make you feel like you’re “driving with your foot on the gas pedal and the brake” at the same time.

Just think about this:  Stress is telling you something: your HEART and MIND are have a disagreement about some situation in your life. Your head may be saying: go fast, while your heart says go slow…. The result is unresolved STRESS!

STRESS CAN BE A GIFT

The reaction of stress maybe telling you to pay attention to your conflicted feelings, because if you ignore them, your body is going to make you a lot more unhappy with symptoms that are painful or can become illnesses.  Or you may find yourself having difficulty sleeping, concentrating or making poor decisions, feeling moody…. Yes, stress may not only effect your emotions, but it can make you “sick with worry”!

You may think “I’m sick, it’s not stress!”

After all, the doctor or health practitioner just gave you medication to deal with your breathing problem, your headache or some other symptom.

It’s not like you chose to make yourself sick deliberately.  Your illness may very likely be caused by a continual stress in your life that has become a literal pain in your ______ (you can fill in the blank with the place where your problem resides) …..

OR...

your doctor or health practitioner may even have given you a pill to help you relax along with the other medications for your symptoms.  Doctors oftentimes don’t tell you that your stress has gotten you sick, or is possibly making your illness worse.  They may tell you that if you relax, you’ll feel better. They don’t want to add to your anxiety, or make you think that they think you’re a hypochondriac.  You’re NOT. You feel bad!  Stress is your body’s gift:  It is telling you an important message:

Pay Attention!

Your anxiety, worry, tension, fear, agitation, depression, pain in the neck, headache, panic attacks, chest tightness and many other possible symptoms are telling you:

There’s a disconnect between the way you are living your life, 

and they way you WANT to be living your life!

Until you start paying attention to your body’s warnings, you may spend a lot more money going to other doctors to try to figure out why you’re getting more and more symptoms!

If you want to "get rid of your stress reaction" you must be able to find the cause of the stress.  When you are finally ready to find that "truth", face it and deal with it, so you can live in Integrity, the way you WANT to be in your heart, contact me.  I will help you listen for, and find your heart's message, and get you on the smooth road to living a stress relieved life.